Saturday, October 04, 2003

Vater

My father taught me that everything I saw was an illusion. History, the news, and the very structure of society were constructed by a larger power that sought total control. It was this force he was struggling against, and someday I might join him. He taught me to question everything, and he taught me all the answers. I thought this secret knowledge made me superior to the citizens surrounding us, who blindly accepted the lie, and satiated themselves with materialism. Only later did I notice how much happier they seemed, and how unhappy my father seemed.

My father told me I was free to do whatever I wanted with my life. Since I'd been so strictly trained from such a young age, this ‘freedom of choice’ was just another type of manipulation particular to our kind--he never expected me to choose another life once he disappeared. The point is, he was an exceptional man, and he had little need for me. I realized that he could do anything, but he could not love. If he could have, even in the smallest way, Judith Strand never would have existed.

I realize now what a dangerous trap love is. Whether he could not, or would not allow himself any emotional weakness, his ties to me still led to his destruction. I felt alone before, but this is a new and strange and horrible emptiness.

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