Thursday, July 07, 2005

in the grid

The city offers its own escapes... a different route to take home at night, a different coffeeshop to pause in in the morning. This one has a row of nearly full-length windows stretching along the front, and as I sit with my back to a brick wall, I can watch the business-suited passersby lose their money to a broken newspaper dispenser. They struggle for a moment, then go on their way, already forgetting. When I try to tell people the paper is mostly full of distractions, I encounter the kind of resistance reserved for evangelists. There are certain things one cannot "joke" about. Even though I am not joking. These distractions are very serious indeed.

I don't know if the man who came out of the basement stairwell last night and grabbed me wanted my laptop, or was some kind of untrained merc. But in the moment that I broke his arm and left him howling on the sidewalk I felt, in the fullest sense, the days of my illness were over. As much as I have longed to be free of my burdens I could not live happily as a defenseless person, without the exhilaration of combat.

Sometimes it is better to fight than to run... fighting to stay here, for example. Fighting to remain back among friends. And as for the complexity those friendships, I could write pages more...

This morning I stood outside an Eastern Orthodox church, as the old ladies in their bright summer suits clustered outside after mass. I wonder what their god would think of someone who can only show love by bringing death to those who would harm the one she's sworn to protect? Is there a space in between the circles of hell reserved just for me?


Anonymous Cloud said...

Hi there,

Was reading your entries. Sounds like things are pretty rough for you. Just wanted to wish you well and I hope the situation improves

8:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

say hi to Michael and Gabriel for me. They're so hard to reach since they're not online

Dr. Nash

10:26 AM  
Anonymous 12H said...

I write
I am

3:34 AM  
Blogger John Rambow said...


7:12 AM  
Anonymous Nimrod said...

Victory Follows Truth
it's as true today as when first uttered in Rome 3,000 years ago

"Noli nothis permittere te terere"

3:47 AM  
Anonymous Sister of mercy said...

Someone is trying to contact you from Switzerland.

Try to decrypt the code on this site:

4:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

at rejse er at leve ....

3:13 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"say hi to Michael and Gabriel for me. They're so hard to reach since they're not online

Dr. Nash"

Guess what, "Dr. Nash"? you, sir, are a retard, she obviously from the posts she has not been with Gabriel and Michael didn't go with her...

8:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

honestly, the book was great... so much suspense and action, i wish that gabriel and maya had ended it with a kiss (that would just make it so much better), but it was still so... i dont know... it was like crack (not that i know wat thats like), u try it and u just hav to keep experiencing it over and over. and at the very end, it said that it was book one. are there sequels? if there r i would love to read them. another wish of mine is that there was a movie based exactly off of the book, but with a kiss at the end. too bad theres already a movie called the traveler. im sure this would b so much better, because i havent seen the movie. theres no way that it could b better than this book as a movie at all.

3:01 PM  

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